This right here, this was supposed to be me relaxing. Me, finally getting to just not do anything remotely tied to youth work. Putting behind me the drama that comes with the territory, comes  with the youth leaders, and the insane amount of work that also seems to come with the territory.

Instead, I’m sitting here and trying everything not to just break down and give up. Like I have since Friday. When I discovered that sometimes, Christians can be the worst example of Christ there is. You’d think since we have this great teaching about how to be love in the world, that our second commandment (second only to loving God) is to love each other, that this wouldn’t be the case.

Oh God. This is just ridiculous. I just wanted a vacation. What the f*ck is wrong with Christians? How can they act like this? How can this happen?

I want so bad to keep our group in the body of Christ, the Church: the big C church and the little c church (the universal and local body).  But at what point do we give up? At what point do you say, seems like you want to do everything to silence and assimilate us, and we won’t give in this time?

This isn’t about my little c church. My little c church is awesome – today’s service was led after a mini pow-wow and then a speaker dressed in full pow-wow regalia giving his story and explaining the meaning of different ceremonies  (to celebrate National Aboriginal Day). Just today, I had two different people, one of whom a parent of youth in our group, tell me how much of a blessing I and my co-leaders are to the Church. No. There is a reason I left my previous church to go to this one. This one, made up of rejects from other churches, where we’ve been burned and nearly left the faith for good. God, what I would have done if I didn’t have this church.

How do I stand in front of my youth and tell them they need to join with other Christian brothers and sisters and love them, when they don’t seem to be getting that modeled AT ALL by their elders? Who can I point to and say ‘look, here’s a role model to follow!’ when there is none? What gives team?

It’s like beating my head against a brick wall.

I had ordered all these awesome Christian books off amazon, so excited to read them. So excited for this weekend, and again, it was messed up by something. I would take it getting messed up by broken bones, sickness, or family issues over this. Christians being such dickheads… it takes the cake.

Now I have to continue dealing with leadership of our youth that I was needing to take a break from; I’m so worried that I’m going to run out of this amazing, Spirit led patience I’ve relied on this past year. That I’ll become as bad as the ‘elders’ who have caused all this. Oh God. Help.

(and this was supposed to be the post where I show you amazing photos of our youth retreat. ha.)