i’m in a bit of a weird mood. wanting to be creative in a variety of ways, but lacking the discipline and concentration to make it work. plus, a random assortment of things are irritating me.

i’m in “get rid of crap” mode again, which is oh-so-difficult when, a) switzerland is the land of impossible to get rid of things without paying or hauling them all over kingdom come, and b) many things are “ours”. trying hard to focus on “my” stuff … clothes, some books, random kitchen things … but accidentally strayed into “our” territory. heheh … funny how this builds up every few months. it’s not even that a whole bunch of new stuff enters our apartment, but over time it becomes apparent that “that stuff” i’ve been hanging on to was perhaps more for sentimental reasons than practical ones, and thus the attachment has ended. oh well, the battle continues …

today i am so tired of “fat” being the worst thing that can happen to someone. this preoccupation is everywhere – talk about your false idols. you know what, someday, when i am pregnant, 10 or 20 years older, or have a serious accident, i may put on some weight, or a lot of weight. this should not mean that i am no longer attractive or lack sex appeal. i should not be terrified that my husband will still love me but not want to l-0-v-e me. for goodness sake! (snarl, snort, “i gotta go wash something” … )

our canada cottage week is coming up fast, and i am very happy about that. in the meantime it feels more like i’m killing time until we get there. i don’t want to think about my life that way. still plugging away at german. still having trouble on the friend front. lack of people to call – difficulty in maintaining those few relationships i do have as we/they are always somewhere else at the wrong time. guess it’s just a hump, as we’ve been through this before and then it picks up again sometime after the nice weather has gone away. tim says we should have a party. i’m worried no one would come … but i guess one has to try

weather has been very rainy the past week, and is shaping up to be the same this week. good for the green i guess, but hard on the spirit. mind you, if i’m gonna be bored in the house it might as well be raining and not beautiful summer days i’d feel like i was missing …

i feel like summer has lasted for ages, but i also am sure this last month will go by quickly and we’ll be into cold, wet weather again on a more permanent basis. there is something lovely about the fresh air after a chill rain though – if bundled up just right, and knowing that there is a hot cup of cocoa at the end … yes, fuzzy sweaters and comfy jeans are calling to me

well, have procrastinated the german homework as long as i possibly can i suppose … auf wiedersehen.

it’s 2am. after a nap from 10:30pm to 1am (when Tim eventually came to bed) i am unable to sleep. before dropping off, tim and i were chuckling over tony’s recent blog entry about his camping experience. for whatever reason (there are many, i’m sure) i found it very heartwarming and instantly put me there. it feels like i have been waiting more and more impatiently for new blog entries from my fam. and friends because … well, because it helps me feel connected – in however small of a way. [roz is still hands-down the winner in this department). i too am guilty of letting my blogging go the way of the panda, and thus i bring to you my latest: it all started with no breakfast …

i now have german classes every tuesday and thursday morning at 10am. this is wonderful. fantastic even. it used to be 9am, but we students voted that down on the first day. in fact, the school principal had wanted to meet me for the placement test at 8:30am. i chuckled for a moment and then realized she was serious. time is relative to me. it’s not the actual number that means anything, but rather the flow of events. tim doesn’t usually get up until about 9 or 9:30 unless he’s got a meeting. working with the west coast does have it’s advantages, and i have to tell you that he is a much much happier man for being able to sleep to this “late” hour in zurich, instead of the rage-inducing 7am he used to have to set his alarm for in Duvall.

where was i? oh yes, flow. tim gets up at 9am, thus so does Daneille (more or less – i often lounge in the sheets until he’s showered and put the kettle on, at which point he asks if i would like tea and i say yes or no depending and get served it in bed or at the table or wherever i would like it. yes, this is a wonderful arrangement and one i take complete advantage of in the winter when one would actually want a scalding cup of tea … ). to arise earlier means sort of doing that tiptoe “do do, do do, do do, do” sneaky-walk whilst trying desperately to remember where the squeaky floor bits are (everywhere) and fretting over what i will wear while in the shower, or, if i’m really organized, the night before so’s i can lay it all out in the hallway (area of floor with least number of squeaky bits) … no, tim does not ask me to do this, i seem programmed to treat it thus … yes, when we have a wailing infant it will be different but for now …

so getting up “first” in the morning causes a little bit of strain on my part, however the flip side to this new schedule is that i think it’s rather novel and nice for tim to perform his morning shower/tea/breakfast/email routine in a feeling of bachelorhood. he doesn’t do anything differently i’m sure, but just knowing that you are alone with some amount of “privacy” is important for us marrieds. and with a small(erish) apartment (versus a house with multiple levels) it is even more important that we are aware of needing some times to ourselves. with my flexible schedule i get more than enough “me time” which i try not to complain about too much .

so now you have the unnecessary history of my morning (can anyone say “high context”? yeah, this girl). i usually set my alarm for 8:15am and thrash about until 8:30 when i absolutely must get up and in the shower if i am to be able to have breakfast before i go (having realized this year that i am now a person who needs to eat breakfast if i want to refrain from yawning hugely by 11:30am). however, having no clock in the bathroom, sometimes the hour gets away from me and my vanity takes command and this morning i had to leave the house without consuming my new favourite breakfast for hot weather: frozen berries, plain yogurt, chocolate granola. can you say “love in a bowl”? awe.some.

i contemplated stopping at starbucks on the way (it’s about a 20 – 30 minute walk, depending on how fast i feel like going) as i saw i had about 8 minutes leeway afterall, but the thought of scarfing down a stale scone (everything else is way too sweet for me) and a coffee for the bargain price of 15 CHF just didn’t appeal, so i deferred. to my unfortunate demise in class. it was a terrible terrible german day people. pretty grim indeed. my brain just would not function. words wouldn’t come out. i didn’t understand the grammatical lesson (not a big surprise, that one, as i barely understand english grammatics) and it was just overall an uninspiring morning. i blame the lack of fuel. and the rain. and, well, just yeah. sometimes there’s bad german days. i’m not a stupid person, i know that. but like i said, it all started with no breakfast …

tuesdays are a bit harry, as from my german lesson i must rush off to icf to make my 12:30 team meeting, before which everyone will have eaten lunch together as that is what we normally do – meet at 11:30 and then go to migros and get some lunch bits and then sit down as a team to shoot the breeze and get all our chit-chat out of the way before the meeting. except now i can’t participate in that and must either purchase something quickly on my way, or have lunch prepared the night before (you’re starting to see how a simple german lesson in the morning has a domino effect on my life now, aren’t you? i wonder why i put this off … ) and in either case try to munch quietly during the meeting while also taking notes and participating in discussions. i abhor people watching me eat. in fact, my worst first date experience would be to go out to dinner … a lifetime of having things stuck in your teeth after every meal will do that to a person. so it’s not my favourite thing to be the only one eating during the meeting. but, i’m a grown up now and am dealing with it. plus, as i said, i miss out on the camaraderie that comes with the pre-meeting culture, which is a huge bonus when you don’t really talk much any other time, even sundays, because everyone is so everywhere doing everything.

so, the german lessons come at a cost, which i knew when i signed up, but that doesn’t mean i have to grin about it all the time.

did i mention that when i left the house this morning it was raining and i looked kind of like a man? i really like my short hair, but sometimes? sometimes it just desires to look like a man-head of hair and that sucks. which of course meant i took extra time to carefully apply my very feminine mascara so’s i wouldn’t actually be mistaken for pretty boy, which led me to missing breakfast … anyway, it’s clear that by the time i got to the meeting i was feeling like i looked less than fabulous, was starving/yawning, and had been demoralized by the morning lesson? okay. moving on …

the meeting went well actually. though we were missing some of my favourite people because they are sick (they work waaaaaay too hard, both of them, and with such joy it makes my teeth hurt sometimes). we got through a lot of business and i was taking the meeting notes (the regular person wasn’t there) whilst eating and talking (not quite at the same time, thankfully). i got a couple of little bombs dropped on me though, which i didn’t realize until later were being used as such. one is that some acquaintance/friends are moving back home. it threw me. since i arrived back from the may trip i have been feeling pretty good about settling in here for the long haul. i wasn’t deluded into believing that there would never again be a homesick moment, or a crummy no-friends moment, but darn it, i was on a roll! and this with my bestest friend charlene having moved back to winnipeg while i was gone! it has been crap without her, but i’ve been keeping busy, etc. etc. anyway, hearing the latest news kicked me off my high-horse i guess because they are another one. another one/couple/family to leave, in a long-line of people who’ve gone in the shy-three years we’ve been here. and there are others whom i know are already talking about “when they go back home”. but the influx of new people is much smaller compared to the out-flow, so somehow i must set-about rectifying this while still maintaining an open mind/heart about it all. very difficult indeed. hard to give yourself to a new relationship with so many hopes and expectations only to have them dashed again and again. so many people say this is why i should try to make ’swiss friends’. they are just as likely to take off in my mind. swiss people are always traveling and coming back with wives and husbands from other exotic lands who then need to be integrated into our church … (occasional sigh).

time for the second thing, no? the second thing is the 3rd time in 2 days that me being an MC for the international celebration has come up. the first was an email by the programming director inquiring if i’d like to try it because “you’d be good at it”. i was suspicious (sorry, but yes that was my first response). i took it for a veiled half-truth disguising a need for more people in a small ministry that i often feel drawn too, but not in a good way. i harbour a very large amount of pride. i used to dream of being on the cover of magazines and on-stage. first as the next cindy lauper or madonna, but then as a fashion model, and then as a world-renowned human rights activist/super social worker who would change the world. while still looking fabulous and living in an amazing high-rise condo with her two wonderful dogs and on-again-off-again string of hunky boyfriends. yes, life doesn’t always turn out the way we dream – thank goodness for that! at any rate, i am still hugely interested in pursuing social work and bettering humanity, but have greatly tamed the desire to be in the spotlight. now my desire is simply to be effective. though i am starting to experiment with having fun on stage in order to improve my confidence; i am partaking in a short skit for this sundays message, which i am trying to not be hugely nervous about. and, i am now on the leadership roster for our regular sunday heartbeat times (a time before every sunday international celebration where anyone can come to hear a short input about the church vision or encouragement and prayer). anyway, the point is, i was feeling like it was enough. i am trying new things, stretching myself, but without too much more of a commitment (which i am always cautious about – not wanting to get myself into a conflict of self-vs.-God interest i suppose). And so, here was a new request, which i considered for all of 2 minutes and then politely declined for the time being.

later on i shared it with tim, who of course, encouraged me to change my mind because he felt it “would be really good for you” or something yadda yadda. i vaguely recall thinking that if God really wants me to do it he’ll ask me again. and so, after the meeting that’s exactly what he did! i got asked again, by a different person. this time i went through with them all my reasons for not wanting to commit now. he said, “okay, so i’ll tell matt to put you on the schedule for fall then. you can always tell me you can’t or don’t want to later” … grrrrrrrrr! i realized that the rest of the day i felt manipulated. that’s not how i do things. i don’t sign up and then change my mind later. if i sign up then i’ve signed up. and here’s this guy just signing me up! the nerve! (i sincerely hope you’re laughing by this point, because that’s what i’m going for – total self-pity interspersed with comical sarcasm. of course i will come around, but for now i want to throw a literary fit – so there!).

the time by this point is now 3:30pm and i am hungry again (having missed breakfast my little lunch of fruits and veggies didn’t go as far as i needed it to) and all the computers in the office are in use so i can’t do any work there and so i elect to go home. going home is difficult sometimes. actually, going out is often difficult as well. i have a fairly strong anxiety about leaving the apartment on my own. i feel people are watching me – not in a crazy “they’re coming to get me” kind of way, but more in a “i have to look a certain way, be a certain way in order to fit in so i don’t stand out” kind of way. thus i’m often hugely self-conscious when simply walking down the street to the grocery store or anywhere. of course intellectually i know that nobody gives two-hoots about how i’m dressed or walking or looking like on any given day. people’s eyes roam over you in passing and that’s the end of it (except the swiss do have a tendency to stare for a disconcertingly long time compared to other countries … ). nonetheless, the vulnerable part of my mind tells me otherwise and thus you have an otherwise perfectly healthy woman in her early 30s who can take 3 hours to work up enough courage to leave the apartment and go to the store to pick up some milk. doesn’t matter what country i’m in. even happens at home in canada. that’s when i’m alone. if i have anybody else with me than i am much more functional (though i will say that some activities do still bring up the anxiety even if i’m in good company – going to the beach/lounging in a bathing suit is one such thing – hate it!).

but i digress …

so, you can surmise that these german lessons and meetings at icf and lunch dates with friends are all good for my constitution. it also seems that once i overcome the initial high-level anxiety (slightly dizzy, shallow-breathing, sweaty, constant mirror-checking to ensure i look normal, talking to myself) and make it out the door, it lowers to a somewhat acceptable level. the longer i’m out and doing things, the better it gets. so, when i’m already out i am reluctant to high-tail it home because the chances of me making it out the door again that day are slim, especially if i have the back-up thought of “i already went outside today”. thus, moments like the one at 3:30 are challenging because i had work to do, but didn’t want to go home yet, but also didn’t really have anywhere to go. i’m not a window shopper and don’t like the idea of just hanging out at a coffee place because i always feel like i’m taking up space, plus i have free coffee at home and a comfy couch to lounge on to read … at any rate, today i went home, which i guess felt a bit like defeat.

once through the apartment door and into “sanctuary” i sank into a weary puddle in front of the computer, promptly downloaded an episode of “make it or break it” (terrible teen show that i am watching purely out of boredom) and watched it while drinking my self-made coffee and munching far too many swedish ginger thins. i felt somewhat better after my “reward” for making it through a kinda crummy day. then i did some work – which was great – but not on the really pressing stuff – which was not great. because i am so nervous about this drama skit on sunday, i have been procrastinating about learning my lines. also, i have no one to practice with. tim was having guy time tonight, which he certainly needed. we have been each other’s only company for almost an entire week and we both need to make an effort (huge apparently) at connecting with other people. ‘t’s all good, but one does need other personalities around . and so it fell by the wayside again, where i put it.

after a tummy-ache-inducing dinner of grilled cheese (1 and 1/2) i watched a repeat episode of “life” from the bbc series, all the while feeling like i should be watching something in german but also feeling so tired at the idea. i did my pre-bedtime routine of face-washing, tooth-brushing and mulling over the texas-sized zits firmly housed on my chin and forehead and then wandered off to bed. it was 10pm and tim was still out watching the netherlands/uruguay football game with a friend. i was happy about that, but also feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself. after reading a bit of mark -which made me feel better for being “productive” in that area, if not wiser or consoled by the actual words – i turned in.

there are one or two other things that contributed to today’s ho-hum atmosphere, but nonetheless i am mostly just surprised (once again) at how fast it tanked and how seemingly out of the blue it happened. nothing major or life-threatening occurred. no actual problem. just a series of small things that built up and, i guess, really need a girlfriend and a glass of prosecco at the other end to help me feel better. perhaps i should have watched a chick-flick instead … but without company to share my outraged comments or peals of laughter it probably woudn’t have provided as much comfort as i would initially believe.

now it’s 3:30am and with this blog entry i officially declare this ho-hum day OVER! isn’t it amazing that it all started with no breakfast … ?

How about those 2 day colds? Crazy! On Sunday night I went to bed all stuffy and Tim said it sounded like a locomotive trying to get through my nose On Monday I was all NyQuil’d up and drowsy and sleepy (poor Wyley didn’t get much love), but today I’m feeling a lot less congested (virtually nonexistant) and not all ’sinusy’. Yay!

Saturday night I went to my first Pampered Chef party (why on a Saturday? … it’s DUVALL!). I think I demonstrated admirable restraint. It felt good to go off and know I had Tim’s total support in whatever I wanted to buy/not buy. I actually thought there’d be nothing of real interest, but was surprised to see the most exciting spring form pan EVER! It’s your typical 9 inch round, but the bottom is glass instead of metal (makes for better presentation ) and it comes with a different ‘bundt’ style bottom as well. Nifty, eh? I’m so excited that I’ve included a photo! I also sprang for a pie slicer thingy (what sold me was the protective cover it comes with), a set of 3 bamboo spoons (which can be put in the dishwasher!), and a small spatula (for cookies, etc.).

Today has been … so so I guess. I’ve been feeling really lonely . The sun came out so Wyley got 2 walks today (well, he usually does, but one is often at night so this was great). I think he’s going through another growth spurt because he’s pretty tired lately. I feel like such a mom … all I ever really have to talk about that’s new is the puppy … at least I started looking at social worky stuff today. There’s 2 organizations I’m interested in volunteering with and so far one or two potential jobs I could apply for … so I am feeling good about that. Nothing real exciting happening here otherwise … I’m hoping to make time for some craft stuff this week. I’ve been feeling very ‘non’ creative lately … all my creative energy has been taken up with dreaming about the house … not very productive as it’s a slow work in progress. A good work, but not a ‘fast’ one where I need to keep thinking about it all the time .