it’s  a lot and it’s not. guess that’s me (finally) becoming accustomed to being a mom. creativity has blown up in my face. there are bits of it scattered all over the house! and spring cleaning has arrived early this year … tim will soon be trying desperately to lay hands on everything so i don’t get rid of it

on a more mature note, i wonder if perhaps this desperate (may not look like it on the outside, but on the inside … whoa) rush to “do everything” isn’t really more about filling that gap that God once filled? in all honesty, i couldn’t feel less close to Him. it seems no matter how good my intentions, church never happens, nor praying before meals, nor even worship on the stereo. i am busy being worried about how to raise a christian … when i do know that me/us as an example is the biggest influence for the longest while … these are habits i always *meant* to form for myself … and now that they loom every more importantly on the activity board i am farther away from it than ever. yarg.

unfortunately i am also in non-german mode. it’s really quite painful how these ups and downs keep happening. for weeks/months i’ll be rolling along, doing the work (kinda), being interested and enthusiastic and asking questions, etc. then this wall comes along and i’m all like, “nuh unh, no german here! can’t wait to move me outta this country and get back to where crafty things are plentiful and varied and CHEAP. and where food is TASTY and full of salt and wonderful packaging and variety. where i can JUST TALK and not have to think about it first or feel embarrassed or stupid or just plain small and inadequate. where the driving lanes are BIG and the cars BIGGER so i can go to places and buy stuff and just TOSS IT IN MY CAR because that’s easy and awesome. and, let’s not forget, where the FAMILY lives!”

usually this means it’s time for a visit to Canada … so i can choose all over again to live in Switzerland. 2 weeks of having to drive everywhere and getting constipated on fast food usually does it for me.

soon noah will be 1. i don’t really know how i feel about that. there will not be a big party – saving that for age 3 or 4 when he might actually remember, or will at least have loads more fun! but how to mark/celebrate the accomplishment? both for him and for us? i am now mindful that whenever another baby turns up we will need to “match” the effort or scale or whatever of the first … so i guess a family trip to thailand will have to keep waiting

i am hosting a baby shower in 1 week & i “must” do everything myself: make decorations, food from scratch, rearrange living room, totally change my personality … gah.

(friday now) i think noah is coming down with a cold. he/we woke up at: 8:30, 9:30, 10:30, 11:30, 4am, 7am. guess how much sleep mom got? this morning i already made up the sofa bed in his room in anticipation of sleeping there over the next week or so … yeah i’ll have lots of energy for a baby shower! can anyone say “migraine”? seriously wish that wasn’t a real possibility …

as roz would say – “first world problems!”

i know it doesn’t compare to hiding from guerilla soldiers, wondering where my next meal is coming from, trying to find clean water for my kid, having my husband hauled off to jail for nothing, or being sold into slavery by him … but it’s all relative. that doesn’t mean it’s not hard at the moment.

at least the sun is (finally) shining, though it’s -13. made sweeping the 7 inches of snow off my ginormous driveway/walkway a rather beautiful huff and puff. 11 minutes left of beautiful solitude before the kinderhuetti goes on vacay for 2 weeks (play group keeps the same holidays as the schools). i’m gonna miss them

please excuse the rambliness/randomness of this post (far and above the yuge) – i’m more in mind of wanting to see something posted instead of saved draft …

it is hard being a mom right now. i have a schizophrenic child. during the day he is his usual, jovial self. he wakes up happy, he eats well, he naps as normal/regularly and plays all the same. except for a little more attachment during play (really doesn’t like being alone on the floor for more than 3 minutes) he is the same as he always was.

but the nights. ugh.

there is no normal here anymore. it used to be that bedtime was 7/7:30 and after a bottle we’d go and read a story and say goodnight to a few things in the room, then plunk and little fuss. sometimes he would cry for a bit – 10 or 15 mins. but less than often not. and those nights would be scattered in with the predictability of the rest. and he’s wake in the morning about 7am. but now … i really never know what i am going to get. for the past 4 – 5 weeks.

it started with him waking up in the night (anywhere between 11:30pm to 1:30am) and wanting to be fed. that hasn’t happened in … a long time. but i figured, hey growth spurt, no probs. then that once waking up turned into waking every 2 or 3 hours. then that turned into waking UP earlier and earlier, by a half hour every night until it was 4:30am. then it turned into “only mama can get him to calm down”. and that turned into me sleeping in his room after the middle of the night bottle (neither me nor tim are getting quality rest, as you can imagine). and now he’s giving grief when it’s time to go to bed in the first place.

my mind has been all over the map:

- growth spurt? seems to be over now if it was …

- new milestone? he is making gradual progress on the crawling, but does it warrant this? in the past his nighttime milestone disturbances have lasted 1 week, tops.

- solid food? ah, the catchall for “what the fuck?” who the hell knows? i have stopped feeding him anything that could be ‘upsetting’ to his tummy … basically all the kid has been eating for 2 weeks was rice cereal, apple/pear sauce, pumpkin, carrots, and whatever combos of that. really. boring. but it didn’t seem to make a difference.

- he had a cold for about 3 weeks … ? we even got a humidifier. but it’s gone now ….

- was/is it just a quadruple whammy of all these things? again, wtfk ….

i am having the most crazy dreams now that my sleep is all over the place. of course, just at the time i feel i need to be the best rested as we are soon entering the frenetic holiday time – which i am so looking forward to but am not blind to the energy required for it all. i don’t want to turn up exhausted, hand over a baby and then go find an empty bed for a week … but it may happen.

apologies in advance if i forget your present at home/at the airport/somewhere between here and there ….

it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. if it’s still like this by the time he starts school i may have a problem …

i am frankly aghast … the second attempt at having a “weekend to ourselves” was sabotaged. this time by the freakin’ weather! (and my propensity? for migraines)

we were all set: noah getting picked up, beautiful sunny day, motorcycle all repaired (ahem, see last attempt at “weekend to ourselves”) and an easy 5 – 6 hour route all set. it goes smoothly, though i have been basically walking dead on my feet for at least a week, maybe two (who can keep track)? always tired with a baby you say? true. but lately i’ve been in a fog. reasons for this later …

where was i? oh yes, achtung fertig los! it was lovely – rolling hills, nice breeze (even hotter than we thought it would be), nothing too challenging. then, our plans of eating by the lake get nixed as we realize there’s nothing ON the lake. then we’re starting to get cross as we’re getting hungrier and hungrier, hotter and hotter. the storm rolling in for tomorrow is already well on its way to my tired/thirsty/hungry/hot chagrin as my head starts to pound. i know this is not a small thing

disappointed we find an overpriced restaurant with decent salads (originally wanted pizza, oh well) and my head continues to pound stronger. i attempt to lay down in a lovely park, but nothing gives. we gotta take the boring but fast way home so i can get to bed – already nausea is starting to set in …

get home, Tim is irritable (understandably) and i am just … so so sorry for this crappy physiology and wish with all my heart there was something i could do. our “togetherness” goes down the tubes as Tim goes to gaming and i try to nap. later he goes to a bbq as i continue to rest. we will meet again at 1:30am as he’s coming to bed and i get up to pee. sigh.

next day is somewhat better – we share a movie together, but beyond that it’s all a mash up. rainy, can’t inflate our bike tires because we have the wrong style pump, do some cleaning, then it’s off to our various distractions and … ?

so, still not ideal

leaving for church in 10 mins where we/i will pick up noah. just starting to miss him …

he’s growing so fast! his finger dexterity now is amazing. i am still in this weird limbo place where i don’t really know how to play with him, and feel this constant war with wanting to have time to myself to DO THINGS, while not having clear goals about what that exactly is, while not wanting to miss/rush him through.

oh, the battles of the discontent

i have been more tired than usual because i’ve been trying to give actual time for my marriage. noah beautifully goes to bed around 7:30/8pm, but i am still exhausted at the end and want to just go to bed myself. but i’ve been staying up later in order to try to spend time with hubby, and have some time for myself. but the little dude obviously still wakes around 6-6:30am, so the only person that loses sleep is me i have been trying to nap with him during the day, but it somehow leaves me more tired because i just seem to fall asleep when he wakes up … better not to have tried

so yeah, i needed to catch up on the rest – which was nice about not having noah, but …

i guess the real difficulty in all this is that i don’t see this part of parenthood getting much easier any time in the next 6 years … especially if we wanna have another one … my 30s will be a bit of a crazy blur it seems … but hey, making it to 40 with my sanity instact will be a wonderful gift

being woken up at 3:30am because some ass-hat is playing his radio for the whole neighborhood to hear really sucks i wonder if i should call the police? seems to be the thing to do …

of course, the radio is not the only thing keeping me from restful sleep. it’s been a really great day. a “best day” in many ways actually. yikes! i think it scares me.

today i actually spent time with friends. yes. plural. yes, the entire day. yes, two different situations. and there were “enough” friends in both. the trouble is (aha, there’s the catch) i got in the way of myself (again) and almost ended up missing the boat on both.

i have been so busy complaining about not having any friends that i have been missing the tender blooming of actual friendships. and coming off as a total jerk in the process it’s true that i really struggle to “find” friends when i really need them – the person/ppl you call in total desperation/tears when it’s not your husband you need (only) to talk to. those moments have been many and the people available have been very few – trust being a big issue here as well – and my mother can testify to the life-long struggle i’ve had with so-called friends. but i’m supposed to be all growed up now, right? sigh, conditioning is hard to change … but i believe the first step is recognition that there needs to BE change … so here we are

i hope i’m not too late to water the young buds, and that they survive an early stomping

i DO have friends, terrific ones actually. loyal ones it seems. and i hope i learn my (4 years late) lesson from abandoning those young and tender relationships in Seattle – time, patience, gentle care and fertilizing – and they can thrive.

I think Switzerland may have just scored another point …

why, start writing a post! obvi

(hours later)

so, yes, emotions are lofty again. have been trying to keep busy by going out everyday with Pumpkin. my creativity has limits in-house. sometimes i google for ideas on what to do with the kid, but somehow the suggestions seem to miss the mark (he’s already advanced, he’s not there yet). i think it’s just time to do exactly what we’re doing – getting out to SEE stuff. he’s very observant and is constantly turning his head from side to side in the baby carrier trying not to miss a thing. the only limitation is really how fussy it is to get him fed, and that mommy wears out after about 2 hours. what can i say, momma still needs her nap

(next morning)

woke up in a foul mood this morning … probably had a little to do with the Gooseberry starting at 5:30 instead of his usual 6:30 or 7:00. but now he’s dozing on the couch and i have made myself a wonderful latte and nutella toast, because what better way to cheer yourself up than special coffee and chocolate? AND, a kid that let’s you have some minutes to enjoy it! i will say, the usual routine is that Tim comes down for his shower, etc. around 7:30/8:00 and Noah is just settling in for his morning nap (which is now only about 20 – 30 mins instead of the 2.5 hours it used to be … ah, growing up) and makes me some tea, which by the time it’s ready to drink i have about 3 sips of before i’m off and running with baby care – thus reheated morning tea gets finished around 2pm these days …

i have decided that i am “unofficially” bipolar. highs and lows with happy and sad, bitchy and ridiculously silly, loving and hating food, beautiful and something you found squished between your toes … it. just. doesn’t. end. now it’s period woes – and back pain from hell which nothing seems to abate. at least i know that is only a few days – and the flip side is that it is rather pleasing to have a regular menstrual cycle. (avoid me in the 3rd week of any month – my pms for some reason strikes 2 weeks before the actual period). i am terribly jealous of a friend tho who will only have had 1 period in about 4+ years. pregnant + 1.5 years breastfeeding (for her meant no menstruation) + 1 cycle to get pregnant again + now pregnant + breastfeeding again … have had some great examples of why you don’t “try” for the next kid as “early” as the first. peeps have been fertilized after only a few months! one mom is almost devastated – her son is only 9 months right now and she is already 12 weeks with the next … the first took 4+ years to conceive and she thought the second round would be similar …. ! yeah, all about babies comes whether you kinda want it to or not and yes, ones heaven is another’s indescribable hell …

(next day – evening)

well, the back pain is gone . i feel so terrible – our little guy got his first sunburn today. stupid super cloudy day made it hard to tell if he was under the umbrella-shade in the right place or not. it’s not really bad or anything – a pinker cheek, but i still feel bad … at least mine and tim’s burns are much much worse … gah!

(too many days have gone by to count)

at least this time i’m drinking a glass of wine

it’s Tims night to have the baby. this sounds wonderful, until you try to find someone to do something with. then it can kinda suck. so, you think, “no problem, i’ll just do all those things at home that i’ve been wanting to do … what were they? folding laundry? i can do that another time. cleaning the kitchen? tomorrow. reorganizing the office? doesn’t feel like something i’ll feel all ‘refreshed’ by tomorrow morning … ” sigh. so then, instead, you try to pick a fight with your hubby about how he’s not being attentive enough with the baby … self-destruct button anyone? gah!

the learning curve is steep.

amazing how a crying baby just whisks away any and all creativity you may have had – fleeting as it is – poof! gone.

i guess it’s time to post this …