there is a box. let’s say, a shoebox box. it has a few random things in it, and it sits comfortably under my arm or on my lap. there is no lid. at some point i notice that this box is filling up. no worries! i get a bigger box. out come all the things in the shoebox and swiftly, with hardly a glance, they are deposited into the new, bigger box. maybe it’s the size of a new microwave box. this one is a little trickier to manage though, not fitting under one arm. it definitely requires more care to keep upright, lest all the contents come spilling out. new things get added to the box, revised versions of older things jump in every now and then. every once in a while a thing of delicate beauty finds its way in. like rice paper origami figures they filter light and air and make you smile with their tinyness and precision. rare and delicate, they are easily crumpled amid the heaviness of the other things in the box. soon, this box fills up too and a bigger box is needed. it takes a little while to find this new box, so some of the contents do come tumbling out. casually they are picked up, dusted off and piled back on (there!), threatening to topple again until …. a bigger box! whew! okay, well now all those things need to be transferred to the new box. i don’t really feel like taking it all out again and repacking it, how about i just put the old box into the new box? see? it fits! there’s some room to spare! surely this means more can be added! in go some more things, not really heavy things at all, but combined with the others it is really quite heavy and unbalanced. it’s difficult to see around or over this box anymore. i have to be careful how i hold it. if it shifts around too much then it’s loud and clangs and people start to look and wonder why anyone would carry such a large box around with them all the time. perhaps if i decorate the outside, make it pretty, then it won’t get noticed. it works for a while, but eventually the colourful artwork smears and fades. it’s difficult to carry on conversations or perform daily tasks with such a large box.

where are all the other boxes? why does no one else seem to be carrying such a large box? i was sure i saw someone else with a shoebox. i try to look, but my box is so large that it’s difficult to see my own feet let alone another person. after a while, i notice my box is leaking. i try to put it down and rest, in fact some kind people offer to hold some things from my box for a while, make it lighter. i try to find something to give them. it’s too much. too jumbled. i don’t know what they want to hold, how long they want to hold it for. all i can do is think about the box. my body is now shaped to carry the box. there is no other way. i wonder, how long will i have to carry the box? will it grow ever larger? sometimes i try to lighten the load by examining all the things in the box, to get rid of what i don’t need anymore. after a few tries i give up. the contents of the box seem to have magical properties where every item i examine seems to double in size! trying to lighten the load actually makes it heavier! now i need yet another, larger box.

months go by …

it’s  a lot and it’s not. guess that’s me (finally) becoming accustomed to being a mom. creativity has blown up in my face. there are bits of it scattered all over the house! and spring cleaning has arrived early this year … tim will soon be trying desperately to lay hands on everything so i don’t get rid of it

on a more mature note, i wonder if perhaps this desperate (may not look like it on the outside, but on the inside … whoa) rush to “do everything” isn’t really more about filling that gap that God once filled? in all honesty, i couldn’t feel less close to Him. it seems no matter how good my intentions, church never happens, nor praying before meals, nor even worship on the stereo. i am busy being worried about how to raise a christian … when i do know that me/us as an example is the biggest influence for the longest while … these are habits i always *meant* to form for myself … and now that they loom every more importantly on the activity board i am farther away from it than ever. yarg.

unfortunately i am also in non-german mode. it’s really quite painful how these ups and downs keep happening. for weeks/months i’ll be rolling along, doing the work (kinda), being interested and enthusiastic and asking questions, etc. then this wall comes along and i’m all like, “nuh unh, no german here! can’t wait to move me outta this country and get back to where crafty things are plentiful and varied and CHEAP. and where food is TASTY and full of salt and wonderful packaging and variety. where i can JUST TALK and not have to think about it first or feel embarrassed or stupid or just plain small and inadequate. where the driving lanes are BIG and the cars BIGGER so i can go to places and buy stuff and just TOSS IT IN MY CAR because that’s easy and awesome. and, let’s not forget, where the FAMILY lives!”

usually this means it’s time for a visit to Canada … so i can choose all over again to live in Switzerland. 2 weeks of having to drive everywhere and getting constipated on fast food usually does it for me.

soon noah will be 1. i don’t really know how i feel about that. there will not be a big party – saving that for age 3 or 4 when he might actually remember, or will at least have loads more fun! but how to mark/celebrate the accomplishment? both for him and for us? i am now mindful that whenever another baby turns up we will need to “match” the effort or scale or whatever of the first … so i guess a family trip to thailand will have to keep waiting

i am hosting a baby shower in 1 week & i “must” do everything myself: make decorations, food from scratch, rearrange living room, totally change my personality … gah.

(friday now) i think noah is coming down with a cold. he/we woke up at: 8:30, 9:30, 10:30, 11:30, 4am, 7am. guess how much sleep mom got? this morning i already made up the sofa bed in his room in anticipation of sleeping there over the next week or so … yeah i’ll have lots of energy for a baby shower! can anyone say “migraine”? seriously wish that wasn’t a real possibility …

as roz would say – “first world problems!”

i know it doesn’t compare to hiding from guerilla soldiers, wondering where my next meal is coming from, trying to find clean water for my kid, having my husband hauled off to jail for nothing, or being sold into slavery by him … but it’s all relative. that doesn’t mean it’s not hard at the moment.

at least the sun is (finally) shining, though it’s -13. made sweeping the 7 inches of snow off my ginormous driveway/walkway a rather beautiful huff and puff. 11 minutes left of beautiful solitude before the kinderhuetti goes on vacay for 2 weeks (play group keeps the same holidays as the schools). i’m gonna miss them

please excuse the rambliness/randomness of this post (far and above the yuge) – i’m more in mind of wanting to see something posted instead of saved draft …

it is hard being a mom right now. i have a schizophrenic child. during the day he is his usual, jovial self. he wakes up happy, he eats well, he naps as normal/regularly and plays all the same. except for a little more attachment during play (really doesn’t like being alone on the floor for more than 3 minutes) he is the same as he always was.

but the nights. ugh.

there is no normal here anymore. it used to be that bedtime was 7/7:30 and after a bottle we’d go and read a story and say goodnight to a few things in the room, then plunk and little fuss. sometimes he would cry for a bit – 10 or 15 mins. but less than often not. and those nights would be scattered in with the predictability of the rest. and he’s wake in the morning about 7am. but now … i really never know what i am going to get. for the past 4 – 5 weeks.

it started with him waking up in the night (anywhere between 11:30pm to 1:30am) and wanting to be fed. that hasn’t happened in … a long time. but i figured, hey growth spurt, no probs. then that once waking up turned into waking every 2 or 3 hours. then that turned into waking UP earlier and earlier, by a half hour every night until it was 4:30am. then it turned into “only mama can get him to calm down”. and that turned into me sleeping in his room after the middle of the night bottle (neither me nor tim are getting quality rest, as you can imagine). and now he’s giving grief when it’s time to go to bed in the first place.

my mind has been all over the map:

- growth spurt? seems to be over now if it was …

- new milestone? he is making gradual progress on the crawling, but does it warrant this? in the past his nighttime milestone disturbances have lasted 1 week, tops.

- solid food? ah, the catchall for “what the fuck?” who the hell knows? i have stopped feeding him anything that could be ‘upsetting’ to his tummy … basically all the kid has been eating for 2 weeks was rice cereal, apple/pear sauce, pumpkin, carrots, and whatever combos of that. really. boring. but it didn’t seem to make a difference.

- he had a cold for about 3 weeks … ? we even got a humidifier. but it’s gone now ….

- was/is it just a quadruple whammy of all these things? again, wtfk ….

i am having the most crazy dreams now that my sleep is all over the place. of course, just at the time i feel i need to be the best rested as we are soon entering the frenetic holiday time – which i am so looking forward to but am not blind to the energy required for it all. i don’t want to turn up exhausted, hand over a baby and then go find an empty bed for a week … but it may happen.

apologies in advance if i forget your present at home/at the airport/somewhere between here and there ….

it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. if it’s still like this by the time he starts school i may have a problem …

i am frankly aghast … the second attempt at having a “weekend to ourselves” was sabotaged. this time by the freakin’ weather! (and my propensity? for migraines)

we were all set: noah getting picked up, beautiful sunny day, motorcycle all repaired (ahem, see last attempt at “weekend to ourselves”) and an easy 5 – 6 hour route all set. it goes smoothly, though i have been basically walking dead on my feet for at least a week, maybe two (who can keep track)? always tired with a baby you say? true. but lately i’ve been in a fog. reasons for this later …

where was i? oh yes, achtung fertig los! it was lovely – rolling hills, nice breeze (even hotter than we thought it would be), nothing too challenging. then, our plans of eating by the lake get nixed as we realize there’s nothing ON the lake. then we’re starting to get cross as we’re getting hungrier and hungrier, hotter and hotter. the storm rolling in for tomorrow is already well on its way to my tired/thirsty/hungry/hot chagrin as my head starts to pound. i know this is not a small thing

disappointed we find an overpriced restaurant with decent salads (originally wanted pizza, oh well) and my head continues to pound stronger. i attempt to lay down in a lovely park, but nothing gives. we gotta take the boring but fast way home so i can get to bed – already nausea is starting to set in …

get home, Tim is irritable (understandably) and i am just … so so sorry for this crappy physiology and wish with all my heart there was something i could do. our “togetherness” goes down the tubes as Tim goes to gaming and i try to nap. later he goes to a bbq as i continue to rest. we will meet again at 1:30am as he’s coming to bed and i get up to pee. sigh.

next day is somewhat better – we share a movie together, but beyond that it’s all a mash up. rainy, can’t inflate our bike tires because we have the wrong style pump, do some cleaning, then it’s off to our various distractions and … ?

so, still not ideal

leaving for church in 10 mins where we/i will pick up noah. just starting to miss him …

he’s growing so fast! his finger dexterity now is amazing. i am still in this weird limbo place where i don’t really know how to play with him, and feel this constant war with wanting to have time to myself to DO THINGS, while not having clear goals about what that exactly is, while not wanting to miss/rush him through.

oh, the battles of the discontent

i have been more tired than usual because i’ve been trying to give actual time for my marriage. noah beautifully goes to bed around 7:30/8pm, but i am still exhausted at the end and want to just go to bed myself. but i’ve been staying up later in order to try to spend time with hubby, and have some time for myself. but the little dude obviously still wakes around 6-6:30am, so the only person that loses sleep is me i have been trying to nap with him during the day, but it somehow leaves me more tired because i just seem to fall asleep when he wakes up … better not to have tried

so yeah, i needed to catch up on the rest – which was nice about not having noah, but …

i guess the real difficulty in all this is that i don’t see this part of parenthood getting much easier any time in the next 6 years … especially if we wanna have another one … my 30s will be a bit of a crazy blur it seems … but hey, making it to 40 with my sanity instact will be a wonderful gift

being woken up at 3:30am because some ass-hat is playing his radio for the whole neighborhood to hear really sucks i wonder if i should call the police? seems to be the thing to do …

of course, the radio is not the only thing keeping me from restful sleep. it’s been a really great day. a “best day” in many ways actually. yikes! i think it scares me.

today i actually spent time with friends. yes. plural. yes, the entire day. yes, two different situations. and there were “enough” friends in both. the trouble is (aha, there’s the catch) i got in the way of myself (again) and almost ended up missing the boat on both.

i have been so busy complaining about not having any friends that i have been missing the tender blooming of actual friendships. and coming off as a total jerk in the process it’s true that i really struggle to “find” friends when i really need them – the person/ppl you call in total desperation/tears when it’s not your husband you need (only) to talk to. those moments have been many and the people available have been very few – trust being a big issue here as well – and my mother can testify to the life-long struggle i’ve had with so-called friends. but i’m supposed to be all growed up now, right? sigh, conditioning is hard to change … but i believe the first step is recognition that there needs to BE change … so here we are

i hope i’m not too late to water the young buds, and that they survive an early stomping

i DO have friends, terrific ones actually. loyal ones it seems. and i hope i learn my (4 years late) lesson from abandoning those young and tender relationships in Seattle – time, patience, gentle care and fertilizing – and they can thrive.

I think Switzerland may have just scored another point …